HOW TO PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER IN THE BIG CITY

First off, you need to secure the door. Most city apartment doors are designed to be kicked in easily, so that a landlord and two detectives can get in quickly if need be. Your daughter will want a decorative door with a nice etched-glass window, but you know the world better than she does. She may as well open a McRapeme franchise with only a glass door between her and that guy from Saw II.

Which brings me to the good people at the Lasco International Group. The motto on their "armoured doors and window page" is "You need a door that can stop attacks ranging from sledgehammer blows to AK-47 blasts." These are the people I want protecting my daughter (http://www.lascointl.com). A nice etched glass door- your daughter's side coated with Lasco's patented transparent glass/polycarbonate laminate that someone can stand 5 feet from and blaze away at with a .44 and not get through- puts a stylish-yet-functional accent on her first apartment. Your daughter's safety should be worth a lot more than $108/sq. foot, especially when that money will ward off close-range fire from an M-1 carbine....

She's gonna have to walk down the street at some point, and Lasco, to my knowledge, doesn't make a big, mobile safe. Still, there's no need to make it easy for some cult to snatch her off the street, brainwash her, and have her robbing banks to finance the Iraqi Resistance. That stuff makes the whole family look bad, and the people around town will be forever whispering critiques about your parenting skills behind your back....

Most people recommend pepper spray as a non-lethal sidearm weapon, and they aren't wrong to do so. Pepper spray is made from a concentrated mixture of the cayenne pepper hot sauce that Americans are so fond of wrecking their dinners with. It's a bad thing to get in the face, and will cool all but the most PCP-induced lustful advances.

I myself prefer their GuardAlaska bear repellent, which is an "invincible" mixture that has been tested for 6 years in America's own Great White North. Also composed of a cayenne pepper concentrate, this stuff shames the Mace products that only have 10% chemical by volume. Bear repellent packs a satisfying 20% whallop that will probably melt the face of the guy who attacks your daughter to the point where he'll have to go find an opera to haunt. Now, there are some moral gymnastics that must be performed when using a pretty dangerous chemical- one only meant to repel a 9 foot grizzly bear- on a human being. Your daughter will inflict a cruel attack on her assailant that will most definitely scar him for what little life he has left. The way I look at it... once she's unraped, any leftovers are someone else's problem. A very reasonable $27.95, and it comes in a fancy carrying case that could fit easily on a belt or purse. It's about the size of an I-Pod...

No means No, although it can also mean Noooooooooo if your daughter manages to discharge a taser shot into her attacker's testicles with J&L's Z Force stun-gun. The $19.95 model is designed to fit into even the smallest of hands, and the 100,oo volt payoff will make a rhino stop in mid-stride and start twitching like Joe Cocker. If you really love your daughter, you'll go with the $30 model that deals out 300,000 volts of righteous empowerment. They only require a 1.5 volt battery, and you'll need the New Hampster mailing address.

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MO: Gun in shed a wise move: "The St. Francois County Sheriff's Department is investigating a shooting that occurred Sunday morning at a residence in Doe Run. During the shooting a 38-year-old St. Francois County man was shot five times with a 22-caliber gun. "The man that was shot went to a home located on Pendelton Road at approximately 7:45 a.m. on Sunday," said St. Francois County Sheriff Dan Bullock. "When the man arrived at the home, the homeowner was in his yard. According to statements taken, the man threatened to do the homeowner bodily harm. The man went after the homeowner and the homeowner stepped inside his shed where he had a gun. At that time the homeowner shot the man five times." Bullock said the motive of the incident is currently under investigation, but did say that both the homeowner and the man shot had a "past history" together. "The homeowner called 911 after he shot the man," Bullock said. "The man was flown to Barnes Hospital for treatment." Bullock said as of Sunday evening the man who was shot was in stable condition. "Our investigators are going to be interviewing the man that was shot today," Bullock said. Bullock said the homeowner was not arrested as of press time. "We have contacted the prosecuting attorney," Bullock said. "We are currently completing the reports to turn over to the prosecutor's office. They (prosecuting attorney's office) will make the determination if any charges will be followed. We don't expect any charges to be filed though. It appears to be a case of self defense."