Friday, September 10, 2010

The inimitable Mike Adams on guns

(Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington)

There’s nothing more annoying than getting a complaint about my gun collection from a feminist with a tattoo on her lower back. I don’t let anyone irresponsible get near my guns so that no one gets killed. When the feminist lets irresponsible men near her tattoos there’s a better chance that someone’s getting aborted.

All kidding aside (was I kidding?), in recent months I have been hearing more and more complaints about my gun collection from people who read my columns – this despite the fact that the columns make them angry. (I’m glad these folks don’t own guns!) Some of those complaints have come to me directly. Some have been directed towards the authorities and my employers at UNCW.

So I have decided to write a column explaining my policies on gun ownership and, more specifically, how these complaints affect those policies. The following points fully summarize my position:

1. I accept guns as gifts from gun manufacturers and gun enthusiasts who wish to express their appreciation for my support of the Second Amendment. This has happened on numerous occasions. When it does, I do not report the gifts to the IRS. It is not the business of the federal government to know how many guns I own – any more than it is their business to know how many sex partners a feminist has accumulated. Most government employees can’t count that high anyway.

2. Whenever I am given a gun as a gift from a gun manufacturer or gun enthusiast I express my gratitude by giving a gun to someone who does not own one. I do this not just because of the Golden Rule. I also do it because I am convinced that the percentage of the gun owning population is directly correlated with the percentage of the population pulling the trigger, I mean lever, for Republicans. I just don’t think someone who gets his first gun will remain in the Democratic Party much longer.

3. Whenever I give away a gun, I buy another one to replace it. Technically, this is not necessary since I only give guns away after receiving a new one. But I do not base my volume of gun purchases on need. I never said I needed more guns. I said I wanted more guns. If this is a problem for the aforementioned feminist then I must remind her that she doesn’t really need a tattoo on her lower back. Lobbying Congress for a limit on the number of guns I can own will cause me to retaliate by a) Lobbying Congress for a limit on the number of abortions a woman can have, and b) Lobbying Congress for a limit on the number of tattoos a person can have.

If you want a war, I’ll give you a war.

4. For every speech I give on a college campus, I promise (henceforth onward) to add at least one firearm to my collection. So far this semester I have received two speaking invitations. I plan to celebrate the first speech with a Stoeger 12-gauge double-barrel shotgun. I plan to celebrate the second speech with a Remington 1187 12-gauge semi-automatic shotgun. But I always need more guns so, please, contact me at or contact the Young America’s Foundation ( to bring me to your campus soon. That way, I can keep shooting off my mouth towards the end of shooting off more firearms. It may also cause distress to the people at PETA because I always send them pictures of my new guns along with pictures of the animals I kill with them.

As a matter of full disclosure, I receive copies of all e-mails sent to UNCW in response to my columns. So, if you write them, I will get a copy from my lawyers at the Alliance Defense Fund (please take the time to visit I will respond by buying two boxes of ammo for every e-mail calling for my firing. I won’t get fired but the ammunition sure will. Thank you in advance for supporting my habit.

Whatever you do dear (not deer) anti-gun nuts, please don’t pay attention to that terrorist professor who built pipe bombs before he wrote Barack Obama’s fake biography. And keep ignoring that terrorist professor who works at Kent State University. They are not a threat to you. They aren’t conservative Christians.

Just keep tattooing your lower back, sleeping around, and aborting innocent babies. Someday the world will conform to your enlightened tolerance and your self-proclaimed moral superiority.


WV: Would-be robber gets surprise: "The suspect had his face covered with a bandana and was armed with a shotgun when he burst into Theresa’s Cafe in Pinch, ordering everyone to the floor and demanding money. As soon as the patrons hit the floor, one employee retrieved a .44 caliber and quickly stood up firing a shot striking the subject in the arm and torso area,’ said Kanawha County Chief Deputy Johnny Rutherford. ‘The suspect then immediately fled the store, apparently quite surprised.’”

New York cops don't like self-defense: "A Long Island man was arrested yesterday after firing an AK-47-style rifle in the air in an attempt to get a group of men off of his damn lawn. George Grier, 31, fired the shots on Sunday night while arguing with a group of Hispanic men on the lawn of his Uniondale home. No one was injured, but Grier was arrested and charged with criminal possession of a weapon and reckless endangerment. Grier says the group of men gathered on his lawn and approached him after two of them began fighting. He claims he was attempting to protect his family from the group of about 20 who were "swarming" the property, and had purchased the gun previously for self-defense" [Also see here]

TX: Lubbock man files federal gun suit: "A Lubbock man is the plaintiff in a National Rifle Association lawsuit claiming the federal ban on 18-to-20 year-olds buying handguns is unconstitutional. The suit claims the Second Amendment, which guarantees the right to bear arms, doesn’t specify that it only applies to those age 21 and over. James D’Cruz of Lubbock claims in his suit that he is trained in the proper use of handguns and believes that if 18 year olds can vote and serve in the military, they should be able to buy a handgun from a registered dealer.”

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